In the Hawaiian culture, there is a wonderful family ritual called "O-ho Pono", which means "to make right." Whenever someone in the family is sick, depressed or in need of help, the whole family gets together to talk about what each of them can do to help heal the person and, therefore, the family. Each takes some responsibility for the problem, and therefore, responsibility for the solution. When one person in a family is effected by an illness, physical, emotional or behavioral, every family member is effected. Because you care about that person and you live together, your health and well-being are interdependent.

     Do you have a child that is unhappy or failing in school or using drugs? Are you triangulated in family conflict between your parents, siblings, or in-laws? Are you in a step family situation, with lots of fighting at the dinner table and you're feeling like the "wicked stepmother". Are you divorced from your children's father and having conflict over parenting?

Family counseling can help!

     Research Shows! In a recent study according to the Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, after receiving treatment, almost 90% of clients report an improvement in their emotional health . . . nearly two-thirds report an improvement in their overall physical health . . . the majority of clients report an improvement in their functioning at work, and over three-fourths of those receiving marital/couples or family therapy report an improvement in the couple relationship. When a child is the identified patient, parents report that their child's behavior improved in 73.7% of the cases, their ability to get along with other children significantly improved and there was improved performance in school.

What is Family Therapy?
     Family counseling looks at the patterns of behavior between family members and outside agencies or schools that influence the individual's presenting problem. Family counseling may involve just the person or the entire family and possibly even extended family members. Family therapy treats the set of relationships in which the person is imbedded to resolve a wide range of serious clinical problems including depression, anxiety, individual psychological problems or parenting problems.

What is the Role of the Family Therapist?
     The therapist is a compassionate and observing guide who joins with each person, validating their strengths and their role in the family. S/he highlights the problematic relationships and collaborates with the family to set appropriate goals for the resolution of the problem. Each family member works on their piece of the problem opening to new solutions. The family therapist respects and supports the parental hierarchy in the family, as well as the individual needs of the children. S/he draws boundaries around the parental relationship, helping the parents to set effective household rules and work together in parenting. If necessary, divorced parents are seen in separate sessions with their children to resolve child problems.

Hints for Step-Parents

3 Approaches to Step-parenting that Usually Don't Work:
• You and your ex- screwed up these kids and now I'm going to fix them.
• We're an instant family with instant love.
• Why don't you get your kids to . . .? or, Do you know what your kids did?

Some Hints About What Might Work:
• Beware of triangulated communication. Use one-to-one communication when possible.
• As a step-parent, you don't have the parental power to "fix" his kids, you can be a friend or and some day, maybe an aunt, if you're lucky.
• Take your parenting disagreements behind closed doors and present a united front with the kids.
• Build up credits in the relationship bank before you make withdrawals.

Recommended Books:

Everyday Blessings, The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.
        Jon Kabat-Zinn and Myla Kabat-Zinn

Parents Who Love Too Much, Jane Nelsen, Ed.D and Cheryl Erwin

Effective Parents, Responsible Children, Robert Ayers, and Robert Eyers
(out of print)

The Co-dependent Parent, Barbara Cottman Becnel

A Fine Young Man (about ages 10-17,) Michael Gurian

Teaching your Children Values, Linda and Richard Eyre

Necessary Losses, Judith Vorst

How to Win as a Step-Family, Emily B. Visher, Ph.D and John S. Visher,

Old Loyalties, New ties, Emily Visher & John Visher

DON'T WAIT, CALL NOW!
630-924-0600